it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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