The maid of honor just puked.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
