I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
