listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
