9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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