I wish I could teleport
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
