dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
