I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
tell me about the eggs
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
