I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
