i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
