Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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