On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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