i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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