nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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