i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
