I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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