hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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