Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
