Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We just shotgunned beers for America
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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