nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
im on a boat
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