Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I need moral support for this bender
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
