I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
