Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
