Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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