He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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