So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
