haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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