I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
