Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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