I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
