I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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