feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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