she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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