seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
