life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
