I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
