How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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