so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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