i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
