I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
