Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
