Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
