I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
