I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
