I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
