It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
