I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
