I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
