drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
