sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
