hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
